


Peter Gets Knocked Up A Lot

by narwhalpuppy



Category: Family Guy
Genre: Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9639662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narwhalpuppy/pseuds/narwhalpuppy
Summary: Wanting to take advantage of Nickelodeon's WorldWide Day of Play, Peter drags Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland to the park. Things turn sour when Peter falls into swamp and wrestles with a Swamp Monster and becomes the Quahog's first pregnant man! In the meantime, Brian and Stewie set out to make an adult Mario cartoon.





	

Family Guy Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

 

Peter Gets Knocked Up A Lot

 

Author's Note: Please forgive the Deviantart reference in this fanfiction. Family Guy has to make fun of everything! 

 

On a cool crisp autumn day in Quahog, Peter Griffin was running to the Drunken Clam. Once he finally arrived, he saw Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire there and he had a big announcement. "Peter! We were wondering when you were going to show up." said Joe. "Guess what today is?" asked Peter. "Is it Ginger Lynn's birthday?" asked Quagmire. "Nope, guess again." said Peter. "Yom Kippur?" asked Cleveland. "Nope, wrong again!" said Peter. "Is it the anniversary of when I did that drug bust?" asked Joe. "Nope Nope nope nope nope!" said Peter. "I give up, what is today?" asked Cleveland flabbergasted. "Today is Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play!" boasted Peter. "Every last weekend in September!" 

"Never understood why that day is always toward the end of September when the kids are back in school. Why not put it in the end of June when the kids are out of school?" said Cleveland. "Peter, we're adults. We do not need to follow through with a day from a children's entertainment channel." said Joe condescendingly. "But we need to take full advantage of this! They're out there getting active, and we should be too!" said Peter. "Since when are you the leading authority of getting active, Peter! You're the laziest person I know." said Quagmire. Joe, Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland all stare blankly at one another for five seconds. "All right, you talked us into it!" said Cleveland. "We'll go to the park and hopefully they'll be some hot single Moms there." said Quagmire. "Holy Freaking Sweet!" said Peter as him, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were all headed to the Quahog park. "This will be even more fun than that time we were in that Ricola Commercial.

 

Cutaway Gag:

Peter, Joe, and Quagmire were on top of a mountain playing alpenhorns then suddenly Joe starts to cough. Peter hands him a Ricola and a voiceover says, "Ricola! A Cough Drop Made in Switzerland! Ricola creates a coating in your throat that helps you get over your cough, fast!" Joe stops coughing and Quagmire cheers loudly, "GIGGITY GIGGITY!" Then they continue to play the alpenhorns. 

 

End of Cutaway.

 

Back in the Griffin House, Stewie is crying and Brian goes into his room to check on him. "What's wrong, Stewie?" asked Brian. "I've just watched the worst video game based cartoon in the history of mankind." sobbed Stewie. "Wait, what? You're crying about a cartoon? I just got back from doing volunteer work for the United Way and helped some homeless people find housing and they have way worse problems than you, and you're crying about a cartoon? What the (beep)." yelled Brian angerly. "That is like you, isn't it, Brian! Always getting mad at me when I'm upset (sob)." cried Stewie. Brian soon regrets snapping at Stewie. "Maybe I did jump the gun a little. Tell me. What cartoon did you watch that has you so sad?" asked Brian. "Super Mario Bros. I HATE IT! Lois and the Fatman keep making me watch it on Youtube." said Stewie. "What upsets you about it?" asked Brian. "I hate the way they made Mario be a glory hog. Mario keeps winning and saving everyone." answered Stewie. "Well, that's why they call it Super Mario, Stewie. Why would that even bother you if you hate it so much?" said Brian. 

"The cartoon always gives him the spotlight, and you haven't heard the worst part. Mario is the older one of the two (sob)." cried Stewie some more. "My guess is, the creators of the Mario games made Mario be the older one is so they thought it could help them make more money for the franchise. (scoffs) Captalism!" said Brian in disgust crossing his arms. Stewie goes on, "Every episode has bad pasta and plumbing jokes. I don't entirely hate it, thought. Luigi is my favorite. And he was made to be the butt monkey. Not only that, Luigi even gets kidnapped along with the Princess, (sobs). Just so Mario can have all the victories! When I first saw it, I expected Luigi to be the older brother. I thought Mario was going to be dumb, bumbling, and carefree but still be a capable fighter and plumber, and Luigi would be the snarky sarcastic badass!" Stewie sobbed. 

"Why don't you show me some of these Mario cartoons. I'll judge for myself." said Brian. "All right I will. Before we do that, check out my Deviantart page, I did some fan art of Luigi, and you should see the other fan arts others did." said Stewie. Brian and Stewie saw his Deviantart page and it has a picture of Luigi as a teenager drawn by Stewie wearing a nose ring, and his black hair was in a part and was wearing a purple skeleton shirt and green pants and sneakers. "Look at this comment, 'Luigi has gone goth, Mario will straighten him out'. said Stewie. 

"That is insulting!" agreed Brian. Stewie had more Mario fan arts that had comic strips of them going on their usual adventures and Mario was dumb and younger and Luigi was older and smart. Stewie showed Brian some more negative comments about Stewie's fan arts. They read, 'since when is Luigi the older brother with a sarcasm meter up to 1000+ and Mario a carefree buffoon.' and more comments similar and some with profane language that berates Stewie's art works. Brian said, "You didn't deserve that at all" "Lots of these Mario fans are okay with Luigi being a douche!" said Stewie. Brian and Stewie look through more Mario fan arts of Deviantart and were disturbed about what they saw. They both gasped in shock and awe. 

"What the hell, man! What the hell!" said Brian. "People are SICK!" "The ones where Luigi and Peach were bound and gagged, and the brothers are bare chested with a leather jacket and sitting on a motorcycle. Even I find that in bad taste!" said Stewie. Later on, Stewie shows Brian the Mario cartoons. "Gosh what shit was that!! No wonder you're upset All sorts of Italian stereotypes and plumber puns left and right! " said Brian! Stewie said, "I know, right! We already know they're Italian Plumbers and we don't need to be reminded of it every 4 seconds!" "Looks like they're trying to attract babies and toddlers with this lame ass cartoon!" said Brian. "Wasn't it god awful what they did to Luigi!?" asked Stewie. "It was! This gives me an idea! At the closing credits it says those cartoons came out in 1989-1991. Mario Super Show 1989, Adventures of Mario 3, 1990, Super Mario World cartoon, 1991. How about we go back in time to 1992 and make a Mario cartoon of our own!" said Brian! "Excellent! I have a time machine, and you're a writer! So you can write the pilot episode and we'll pitch it to a network!" said Stewie. "That's right! We're going to show the world how Mario and Luigi are meant to be portrayed!" said Brian. "And we will make it be an adult Mario cartoon! For teenagers and adults!" said Stewie. "And we will make our own cartoon studio, we'll be better than DiC!" vowed Brian.

Cutaway Gag: 

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were standing outside of DiC studios. Quagmire gets excited when he is about to walk in. "Heh Heh! All Right!" said Quagmire. Within minutes security guards had Quagmire grabbed by the shirt and throw him out with excessive force. "WOAH! Who's the asshole who told me this was a porno studio?" Quagmire demanded. A reluctant and hestitant Joe and Cleveland point to a shaken Peter. 

 

End of Cutaway.

 

Brian and Stewie go on to work on their newest project: an adult Mario cartoon! Stewie says, "Just think, Brian. If our cartoon comes to pass, there won't be any unendurable 'Mama Luigi' memes!" said Stewie. 

 

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire have arrived at the Quahog State Park. They see children there with their families and decide to have a little fun themselves. "Heh Heh, too bad The Playboy Channel doesn't have a Worldwide Day of Sex! We're out there getting (beeped) and you should be too! Giggity! Oh!" said Quagmire. "Who else but Quagmire! Tried to get my son Junior to come here and get active." said Cleveland. "What should we do first?" asked Joe. "Little embarrased that I am a respectable cop and I have to play in a park. Hope some librarbian don't impersonate me while I'm gone like in the movie Offbeat!" Peter said, "Gentlemen, We are there to take advantage of Worldwide Day of Play! Best idea I ever had! This will be better than that time I was sent to assassinate Leon Trotskey!

Cutaway Scene:

Peter was dressed in a fedora, wearing a black suit, and Leon Trotskey was at his desk. Peter proceeds to hit Trotskey on the head with an ax. Trotskey had a bloody blotch on his head, then looks at Peter and screams in an exaggerated way. "Geez! You're acting like such a baby about being killed, Trotskey! I've heard rape victims cry less than you!" said Peter. "I'm new at this, so let me get my bearings"! said Trotskey. 

Peter said, "I'll start the countdown....10....9....8...7..6...5....4..3...2..1.....LETS PLAY!!!!" screamed Peter as he, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all played on the playground equipment. 

Matthew Wilder's Break My Stride plays. Joe was on the wings and his paralyzed legs were flapping around scaring the children. Quagmire was on the bridge jumping onto it that made all the kids on it fall. Cleveland was throwing a tetherball. Peter was on the slide and yelled, "WWWWWEEEEEE!!!!!!" Then Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were in the jungle gym, then the monkey bars, seesaw, afterwards a sandbox where they try to make sand castles, spring spider, a trapeeze, and a maze. After they were gone, they decide to go on the merry go round for last. All the children and their families were looking at Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire like they were strange. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were on the merry go around as Peter was spinning them around until he jumped on. The merry go around was going at amazing speeds. Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were begging Peter to slow down and they all vomited. Peter was enjoying it until he fell off and landed in a swamp. The song ends we Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire run to find out what happened to Peter.

Emerging from the swamp, Peter jumped out of the water but was still in it. "I'm OKAY!!!" announced Peter to Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire. "That's a load off our minds!" said Cleveland. "Dammit Peter you son of a bitch! Did you have to go so fast to a point where you made us vomit! I can still taste that prostitute I have a BJ to!" said Quagmire! "Well excuse me for trying to have a little fun, guys!" said Peter. Joe sees something in the water coming in Peter's direction. "Peter! Look out behind you!" warned Joe. "There's nothing there, stop pulling my dick!" said Peter. "No there really is something! Look out!" warned Cleveland. Peter was about to deny it some more, but then a swamp monster came up to him, and Peter screamed. "SWAMP MONSTER! MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS!"

"Get out of there, Peter!" yelled Quagmire. The Swamp Monster was dunking Peter's head in the swamp. Peter tried to fight it off the best he could, but the Swamp Monster proved too strong for him to handle. "I can't look at this!" said Cleveland covering his eyes. Peter wrestled with the Swamp Monster until it spit an egg at Peter, and he swallowed it. The Swamp Monster picked up Peter and threw him out of the swamp. "Quick! We need to get him to the hospital!" said Joe. "I ate an egg whole!" said Peter.  
As they were leaving, The Swamp Monster took off it's head revealing that it was really Ernie the Chicken the whole time. Pleased that he finally got his revenge for all the fights him and Peter got into. Ernie gave out an evil laugh. 

At the Hospital, Dr. Hartman got some test results back that he did on Peter. "Don't know how to tell you all this but........" began Dr. Hartman. "Give it to us straight doctor!" said Quagmire. "Am I gonna die?" asked Peter. "The good news is Peter is going to be okay." said Dr. Hartman. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all breathed a sigh of relief. "But what I found out is, Peter Griffin, you are now Quahog's first pregnant man!" said Dr. Hartman. "What are you saying, doc?" asked Peter. "Peter, that egg you swallowed, you're pregnant!" said Dr. Hartman. "I suggest bed rest, excercise, and eat healthy for the next six months or however long pregnancy lasts!" "Pregnant! Wholy Crap! I haven't felt this shocked since that time Chris told me about car insurance. 

 

Cutaway Scene. 

Peter was standing over his car and feeling horrible about the dent. Chris walks up to him. "Whats the matter, Dad?" asked Chris. "Some jerkass bumped into my car and now I got a dent!" exclaimed Peter. Chris said, "Don't worry Dad, all you need is....." Then Chris began talking like Dennis Haysbert, "ALLSTATE!" Peter was in disbelief that Chris's voice suddenly changed, "Come again!?" asked Peter. Chris talked again in Dennis Haysbert's voice, "ALLSTATE! With safe driving bonus fees......" before Chris can finish, Peter screams, "Chris is posessed! We need to call an exorcist!" Peter let out a cravenful screech. 

 

*

 

At the Griffin's House, in Stewie's bedroom, Brian had a script in his hand. Brian had just got done writing a pilot episode for their adult Mario cartoon. Stewie was readying his time machine. "Is that a script you wrote?" asked Stewie. "Absolutely! Just got done doing tons of research on 1992 Pop Culture!" said Brian. "Excellent!" said Stewie. "Our Mario cartoon will be beyond perfection!" "That's right, it's going to have rips on celebrities, current events, political satire, social commentary, you name it!" boasted Brian. "Better than anything on the Disney Afternoon cartoons from back then!" said Stewie. "Not only will it be Koopas they fight, we're going to have the Mario Brothers fight other villains too like drug dealers, street gangs, vampires, evil cults, aliens, mummies......" said Brian. "If our cartoon gets popular enough!" said Stewie. "We don't know how people are going to react to this!" 

"I even put the character Toad in our cartoon!" said Brian. "Great idea, it was utterly dreadful that Toad was excluded from the Super Mario World cartoon!" said Stewie. "So we got a lot riding on this! When we get to 1992, we're going to need to hire animators, voice artists...." Brian was cut off by Stewie. "No need for that! Put your script in my latest invention". Stewie was walking over to his invention that looked like a meat grinder, Brian followed. "That the hell is that!?" asked Brian. "The cartooner! All you need to do is insert your script in here, and a disk of our pilot episode will come out in DVD form!" said Stewie. "Cartooner? You got that from MST3K! Total plagarism! Not cool!" said Brian dilligently. "I did not! It was an original idea!" said Stewie innocently. "No it isn't! That Cartooner thing was an invention that Joel and the Bots did to combat Dr. Forrester and Frank's inventions! I happen to know it was from MST3K's best episode, Manos The Hands of Fate!" said Brian.

"Insert your script, trust me! It will be a lot easier than hiring animators and voice actors." pleaded Stewie. "No I won't! Want to do this the honest way!" said Brian morally. "If you don't insert your script, I'll make you jack off to that gay porn I showed you!" Stewie said deliberately until Brian gave in. "All right! You freaking shithead!" agreed Brian reluctantly as he inserted the script and it processed and within minutes, a disc came out containing their pilot episode. "Are we ready for this!" said Stewie. "Ready for a month of Sundays! Let's go onward! To the past! To 1992 for our Mario cartoon!" said Brian. "Where are we going to film this cartoon?" asked Stewie. "In New York City! We'll get one of this abandoned apartments!" said Brian, "That's where all those cable TV stations are!" 

Stewie and Brian both boarded time machine and went to New York City in 1992. 

 

 

* 

 

Peter Griffin's pregnancy has become a local media sensation. "Tonight on Channel 5 News, Peter Griffin is the New England's first pregnant man," as Tom Tucker reported. It was even on the front page news of the Quahog Daily Shopper. "PETER GRIFFIN IS PREGNANT!" Adam West sees the headline and he's none too happy. "WHAT? I am supposed to be the world's first pregnant man! Not Billy Crystal!" Adam West said. 

In the Griffin residence, Peter is fatter than before was laying in bed watching TV. "We now return to A Soap Opera Plot That You Didn't Know Was in The Storyline!" The TV showed a hospital room with a man in bed in a coma. A wife and her son were asking the doctor, "When can he come home?" "Oh, maybe next week!" responded the doctor. Then the police came in and arrested the doctor, "You're under arrest for malpractice!" screamed the cops. The TV got turned off by Lois. "Well, well, well, what have we here! All the times you've seen me pregnant you didn't didn't give a shit, now it's finally happening to you!" laughed Lois. "Stop mocking me!" cried Peter. "You know you need to get some excerise, it's important to stay fit during pregnancy!" said Lois. "But Lois! The doctor said I have to be in bed no matter what." said Peter. "That's no excuse! You can't spend your pregnancy in bed watching TV, overeating, and making your friends do everything for you!" said Lois. "Cripe, look how fat you're getting!" Lois added. 

Suddenly, Peter is overcome with nausea. "I'm so (beeping) sick! Feel like shit here!!" moaned Peter. "That's morning sickness!" answered Lois. "Boy what I wouldn't give for a big ass jug of beer!" said Peter. "No, Peter! You're not supposed to drink or do drugs during pregnancy!" said Lois. "You smoked when you were pregnant with Chris! Come on, Please! Please! Give me some beer! Maybe the littlest teeniest drop can help settle my stomach!" said Peter. "No! For the last time I am not giving you a beer! We don't want this kid of yours or whatever to be a retard!" said Lois. Peter felt like he had to vomit. "Peter! Come on! I'll take you to the bathroom!" said Lois as she picked up Peter over her shoulder. They reached the bathroom in the hallway near their bedroom, Peter runs in and throws Meg out and he vomits like there's no tomorrow. "Tell me again, Mom! Why do we always have to sacrifice for him!" bemoaned Meg. After he vomits, Peter looks at himself in the mirror. "Holy crap! Lois was right! I am fatter than I have ever been before! I can pass for a villain in Conkers Bad Fur Day!

 

Cutaway Scene:

It shows the inside of a sewer and Conker was looking at all the feces around, then a sweet corn gets grabbed and begs for help. A big huge blob of feces comes up before Conker and looks like Peter Griffin who puts a sweet corn in his mouth. Peter as the Great Might Poo begins to sing, "Me me me me me! I am The Great Mighty Poo! And I am going to my shit at you! I huge supply of tish comes from my Chocolate Starfish, how about some Scat you Little Twat!" Conker runs to the flusher. Peter sings operatic to get after Conker, "OOOOOOOO!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" and then Conker manages to flush Peter as the Great Mighty Poo down, Peter begins to scream, "Ooooooh! You cursed squirrel look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world....what a world....." Peter continues to go down the flushing toilet and Conker looks at the screen and says, "Now That's what I call a bowel movement!" 

 

* 

Brian and Stewie had arrived in New York City Time Square in 1992. Color Me Badd's All 4 Love was playing in the background. Stewie had the cartooner with him in case if their Mario cartoon proves to be a success, Brian had a DVD player to play the pilot episode Brian wrote and plans to pass it off as a laserdisk player.. "Here we are, Brian! 1992 New York! The year of Clinton and Perot, The woman, grunge, gangsters rap, Sister Act and Unlawful Entry" said Stewie. "And hopefully A Mario cartoon that's actually good without all those stupid ass pasta and plumbing jokes!" said Brian. "You never told me, Brian. Which Mario game does our cartoon take place in?" asked Stewie. "The most popular Mario games in this year were Mario World and Mario Kart, so it will take place in a Mario World and Kart setting! They live in Dinosaur Land and there's no laws there! You can get away with rape and murder there!" said Brian. "Ooh! Love that concept! What channel do you think should get our cartoon?" asked Stewie. 

"Comedy Central would be out best bet!" answered Brian. "No I think MTV should get it." said Stewie. "Why? So it could be in competition with Beavis and Butt-head, The Real World, and MTV Sports? I don't think so!" snapped Brian at Stewie. "All right then, how about FOX?" asked Stewie. "I'm putting my foot down and I say Comedy Central! So let's move on! We will show the world that Mario is not just a kids thing!" said Brian. "No it's not, teenagers and adults like Mario too!" said Stewie. "Our Mario cartoon will be so popular it will have witty subtle phallic humor and hidden innuendos! It will put Tiny Toons Adventures and Animaniacs out of commision!" vowed Brian shaking his fist in the air. 

Luck was on their side and Brian and Stewie ran into a Nintendo Convention. They see the Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto sitting at a desk. Brian and Stewie run up to meet him. "What can I do for you fine young gentlemen today!?" asked Shigeru. "Are you the creator of Mario Bros by any chance?" asked Brian. "You found him!" answered Shigeru. "Mr, Miyomoto! We are just fresh out of animation school and we want to show you something!" said Stewie. "What is it? asked Shigeru who was confused. "We have got a Mario cartoon that is absolutely going to blow your mind!" cheered Brian. "Really? Can I see it?" asked Shigeru. "Come with us to Comedy Central and you can see what we have in store!" said Stewie. Shigeru Miyomoto reluctantly followed Brian and Stewie to the Comedy Central building. Brian looks around and thinks to himself, "All the celebrities that were popular in this year will all end up doing VH1 reality shows." 

"Never thought he'd agree to see it!" said Stewie. "Comedy Central here we come!" said Brian. "You are going to absolutely love this Mario cartoon......" continued Brian. Him and Stewie were leading Shigeru Miyamoto to the Comedy Central building. Stewie said, "We're leading him on, just like when Peter lead on Joe to solve a murder!"

 

Cutaway Scene:

 

A police office is the setting and Joe yells at Peter. "Dammit, Peter! You let a murderer get away!" Peter says in his defense, "That girl told me that the thing in her diary about killing someone and getting away with it was just a joke!" Joe said, "She was the killer and you let her go?" Peter said, "Had no choice but to believe her! Boy was she hot!" "Never depending you for anything ever again!" said Joe. 

 

* 

 

Six months later. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were in Peter's bedroom. Peter was still bedridden for his pregnancy, and did nothing to get active. Peter was getting fatter and more obese by the minute that the belly was sticking out from his shirt and pants. "Okay Peter, we got you this pizza, these burritos, and Chinese food you wanted." said Quagmire disgustedly. "What's your problem?" asked Peter. "Ever since you got pregnant, you've been ordering us around and making us get this for you!" complained Cleveland. "You guys are my friends, don't be a mister complainy pants about it, I'm in my time of need! I'm with child!!!" cried Peter. "You keep reminded us of that! We know!" said Cleveland. "We sure missed you at the Clam!" said Quagmire. "We liked you better then!" said Joe. "You guys were going to the Clam without me! I can't even have beer! IT'S TORTURE!" shouted a jealous Peter. As happy as Peter was sitting around in bed gorging himself, he really missed alcohol. "Oh, and by the way, Donna had a baby shower planned for you, and you never showed up! Why was that, Peter? "Can't do anything! So until my baby is born you will all do my bidding!" stipulated Peter.

Joe shows Peter his paralyzed legs. "Do these legs look like they can do impossible tasks?" Joe yelled. "You know what, you're on your until this baby of yours is born! Goodbye! Screw you, Peter!" repelled Quagmire as him, Joe, and Cleveland left. "No wait! I need more things..more food.....oh crap". said Peter. "Inform us when you go into labor, then we'll talk." Cleveland called out. Chris comes into Peter's bedroom. "Hey, Dad. Do you have any bedsores yet?" asked Chris. "No I don't." answered Peter sadly. "Your friends will come back to you." assured Chris. "I know they will, thinking of naming my baby Montacore." said Peter. "What do you think the baby will be?" asked Chris. "Hopefully I won't have a disappointment like Meg. Always feared I'd have a kid who would beat me senseless. If that happens, I'll just leave it for Meg to babysit like that time I had her babysit the Tazmanian Devil."

 

Cutaway Scene:

 

Lois and Peter were leaving the house. "Meg, we're leaving now so don't wait up for us! We'll be back late!" said Lois. "Don't forget to feed Taz"! ordered Peter as he walked up to Meg and pointed a finger in her face. "If you don't take care of him, I'll have your fatass arrested for animal neglect! You hear me! Taz's life is in your hands, bitch!" Meg didn't believe it at first, she thought Peter was just teasing her as usual. Meg goes to sit on the couch to watch a movie. "Now time to watch a double feature of my two favorite movies. Eat, Pray, Love and then Wendy and Lucy." said Meg. Out of nowhere the Tazmanian Devil spins around and tears apart the couch Meg was sitting on. Meg fell off and screamed at the Tazmanian Devil. "Blah Buh, Mah, Pluh, Nuh, Vrrrr, Rrrrttttthhhhh! Tzzzzzzz!" yelled the Tazmanian Devil in Meg's face, then it continued, "PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! FEED ME!! FEED ME!!" "What the (beep) is this thing!?" screamed Meg.

 

Back in Peter's bedroom. Peter and Chris begin to wonder about the baby. Chris said, "It's going to be cool to have another little sibling in this house." "Sure will be, Chris. Might be part swamp monster though." said Peter. "Did you have sex with a swamp monster?" asked Chris. "No. One spat an egg in me, and a swallowed it! Sure wish Lois and my friends would stop telling me to get off my ass! Laying around in bed is the most fun I've ever had!" said Peter. "What do you think your baby will be like? Given it any thought?" asked Chris. "Maybe my little bundle of joy will be like Joe!" said Peter. 

In a dream sequence, Peter is at the table eating dinner then a swamp monster/human hybrid looking child enters the kitchen. 'Hey little Montacore! How was your day?' Montacore says, "I just busted a drug ring, then I arrested some murderers and car thieves!' 'Ha Ha! And to think we never sent you to school.' said Peter in the dream sequence. After the dream sequence was over, Chris says, "What if your baby is like Cleveland?" Peter begins to wonder about that as well. In another dream sequence, Peter imagines his kid being like Cleveland and Peter was going into his swamp monster/human hybrids' kids' bedroom with a tray. 'Knock knock! I made you a......' Peter walks in and screams that Montacore that he white makeup all over his face and says, 'Montacore! You were supposed to play the role of Walter Lee Younger in the school play of Raisin In The Sun!' Montacore says, 'hey yall! sock it to me'! The dream sequence ends. 

 

Chris says, "It was pretty cool to have a pregnant Dad. I had fun serving you!" "That's cool Chris." answered Peter. Meg enters the room with a bowl of fruit. "Dad, Mom says you need to eat healthy and start walking around...." said Meg. Peter gets the bowl of fruit and throws it out the window! "NO!" said Peter childishly. Meg moans as she walks away, "That's it! I'm done with this! Everything I serve you, it gets thrown out the window! Can't wait for this stupid baby to be born, so Dad can finally get off his ass......" Meg stomps away, then Peter wonders what it would be like if his kid was like Quagmire. "How about if I had a kid like Quagmire!" mediated Peter. 

Another dream sequence occurs and it shows Montacore watching a porno. Peter and Lois walk in. 'Montacore! How many times do I have to tell you, you're way too young for porn!' said Lois. 'But you're never too young to put money on a nightstand after a fling with a whore! OH! Giggity!' cheered Montacore! 'That's my little pervert who else but Montacore'! said Peter. 'Can't believe you're encouraging this'. said Lois. Montacore gets up from the couch and seduces Lois! 'What about I encourage some sex acts on you, girl!' Lois accepts, "Oh! Montacore! You're quite the romantic!' said Lois. Montacore and Lois walk out of the house which had Peter screaming. The dream sequence ends and Peter is literally screaming in pain. "HE TOOK LOIS AWAY FROM ME!!!" Lois runs in, "Peter! Are you okay?" asked Lois. "Think this is labor! Feeling very wet down there!" yelled Peter. "Don't worry Dad, we'll get you to the hosptial!" said Chris. Peter felt a wetness in his pants, as he finally in labor.

 

* 

 

Meanwhile, In New York City in 1992, Brian and Stewie along with Shigeru Miyomoto walk inside the Comedy Central Building. They see the man at the front desk who was Scott Landsman the vice president of Comedy Central. "What can I do for you gentlemen?" Scott asked. Brian chimed in, "We're just fresh out of animation school and we got permission from this fine fellow here to pitch an idea we have for an adult Mario cartoon to show on your network". "OKay, go on." said the Scott. "My name is Brian Rockwell, and this is my associate, Stewart Goldberg." said Brian. " Why does Brian always give me Jewish names!?" said Stewie murmured under his breath. "So when can I see this cartoon of yours?" asked Shigeru. "Look here, we're open to any ideas others have for our fine Comedy Central Lineup. And yes we can use something animated to add to our channel. Come with me and let's see what you have." said Scott who leads them into a room that looked like a small theater. "My name is not Goldberg, by the way." said Stewie but he was ignored. 

"What's this _adult_ Mario cartoon you have? What is it about?" asked Scott. Brian explained, "It's everything a Mario cartoon should be sir! So all those other kiddie Mario cartoons like Super Show, Adventures of Mario 3, and Mario World or any of the events that happened in those won't matter!" "I'm getting kinda worried here." said Shigeru who shuddered to think how Brian and Stewie could possibly ruin the Mario franchise. 

"He is right, sir! In our Mario cartoon Dinosaur Land is a more advanced civilization with no laws, the Koopa Kids are going by their real names, and Mario is a (beep)ing dumbass!" announced Stewie. "Woah, wait what? Mario is a moron"? asked a shocked Shigeru he went on, "How old is he in this?" "He's 25." answered Stewie, "and a total imbecile to boot! But he can still prove himself in battle." said Stewie. "No No! Mario is older brother and he cannot be portrayed as a dumbass! He's brave heroic warrior! Make Luigi one instead. Since you say he's 25 in this, Luigi is younger so he has to be 22 at least!" suggested Shigeru. "Yes, but just a thought.....what if he wasn't!" said Brian. "Please! Don't do nothing to tarnish the reputation of Mario!" begged Shigeru. "That's not what we're trying to do here. We want to aim Mario at a more older audience to show it's not just for toddlers and children." said Stewie. "Another thing, Luigi is NOT the younger brother in this, he's 30!" Stewie said as Shigeru began to sweat profusely at what Stewie said.

"We going to see this or not?" asked Scott. "In this we are not making the Princess be a commando." said Brian. "And Toad is in it, too!" said Stewie. Brian takes out the disk and puts it in the DVD player. Shigeru and Scott mistook the DVD player for a laserdisc player. "Prepare to be amazed! You are about to see True Adventures of Super Mario Bros!" said Brian. The DVD plays and it shows the opening credits to the cartoon that played the song Run Don't Walk By The Ventures. It had the characters running around, dancing in place. The episode began as it showed Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi standing in a room and Peach tells them, "Guess what? I have just been chosen to do a story for the Dinosaur Land times!" "Good for you, Princess!" said Toad. "You should go for it!" said Yoshi. "If she's going to be away for a while, can we watch Jennifer 8! If not that, what about Cool World?" asked Mario then Luigi smacked him. "Just be back in time, Princess! Don't forget we have a date!" said Luigi. 

Shigeru could not believe what he just witnessed. Scott was astounded. Later on in the episode, Mario and Luigi were in the car along with Yoshi and Toad. They were singing Bohemian Rhapsody while they were looking for Peach, then sang Radar Love. The next scene showed Peach in a cage with Bowser and his Koopa Kids laughing at her. "NO! NO! NO! UNACCPETABLE! MARIO IS SUPPOSED TO BE SMART! LUIGI IS SWEET AND INNOCENT!" screamed Shigeru. "YOU TURNED MARIO INTO RETARD! YOU TURNED LUIGI INTO ASSHOLE!! LUIGI IS NOT OLDER!" "Just stick around for more, Shigeru!" said Brian. "MARIO DOES NOT DO POP CULTURE REFERENCES!" screamed Shigeru again. "Perhaps it's better that way!" said Stewie. "The Simpsons shouldn't be the only cartoon to do that!" said Brian. 

In the next part in the pilot episode, Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi reached Bowser's castle and Luigi noticed Mario was chewing on something. "What are you eating there, Fat O'Brien? John Too Much Flesh?" asked Luigi sarcastically. "I get it, like John Tesh!" laughed Yoshi. "Some weird tasting gum, big brother" said Mario as he took out a wrapper, "Listen to this flavor 'Ribbed for her Pleasure..." Mario continued. Luigi took away the wrapper angerly and said, "This is a condom you shithead!" Luigi hit Mario with a bowling pin repeatedly. "Are we allowed to swear now?" asked Toad. "Of course we are! We're on Comedy Central!" chirped Yoshi. 

Brian and Stewie laughed their asses off and Shigeru protested, "Why you do this! My creations! Making fun of celebrities, now? Before that, rock music?" The next part of the episode Mario runs out of a drugstore and shows Luigi, Yoshi, and Toad some weapons he found. "You're gonna love this scene!" said Brian. Scott didn't know what to think. "Did you get the weapons?" asked Yoshi. "Sure did!" said Mario as he held a box of tampons then he read the box, "See, we-apons! I did good, right?" Mario asked. Toad says, "This is the part where Luigi goes nuts...." to the screen, and Luigi screams at the sky at Mario's stupidity. Toward the end of the pilot episode, Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi just got done beating up the Koopa kids and more of Koopa's henchmen that came their way. Then comes Bowser as tells them as he was armed with a baseball bat, "You're not going to battle me! My castle and the Princess are my property! This is my own private domicile and I will not be harrased, Bitch!" 

Stewie heard the line and told Brian, "That was a line from Breaking Bad!" "I never saw the episode! Did you forget we are in a year where that show hadn't been invented yet?" said Brian. "Earlier you accused me of ripping off MST3K! You think I don't have original ideas?" taunted Stewie. "We'll talk later, just watch the episode!" said Brian. "Peach and I slept together!" said Bowser again. "You son of a bitch! Deflowering an innocent Princess! You're going down, man!" said Luigi. "I'm with you, big brother! Let's kick his ass!" said Mario. Then afterwards Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi beat up on Boswer and rescued Peach. "See? Mario may be an blockhead, but he sure can fight like hell won't have it!" said Brian to Shigeru who had his face in his hands. "WHY? WHY? WHY!" Shigeru cried. 

 

The episode ended, and Shigeru was saddened by what he saw. "You took something I created that meant a lot to me and made me millionaire. You turned it into something cheap and ridiculous! Mario is not meant to be a fat inept maladriot dumbass, and Luigi is not the straight man! Bet you're proud of yourselves! Hope this never sees the light of day!" Shigeru left the Comedy Central Building. Scott tells Brian and Stewie, "He's right. I love the Mario Bros and what you both did to demean and cheapen them to turn it into something you wanted it to be was unforgivable. I like them just the way they are. No deal! You can forget your godforsaken Mario cartoon ever coming on our station! Or any station! Get out!" said Scott as Brian and Stewie showed themselves out. "Want to try MTV?" asked Stewie. "No! There's no way people are ever going to like a Mario cartoon like this, no matter what era. Let's fess up to the facts. Mario fans will NEVER accept an ignoramus younger brother Mario and a snarky whip smart older brother Luigi." said Brian. "But we gave it our best shot and that's what really counts!" said Stewie cheerfully. "Absolutely right! It was a fun thing we did although we failed! Good thing is, at least Lois and James Woods weren't here to insult or ruin me!" said Brian. "You were just seeking vengeance on what happened to you with Class Holes, am I right?" said Stewie as he got the control pad ready to go back to the present. "Sort of, just wanted someone else to feel the pain about that. Not only that, I wanted to make you feel better too because you were so hurt about those Mario cartoons in the first place. But hey! There's still hope, we still got the cartooner, and maybe we'll put our Mario cartoons on Youtube!" said Brian. "That's a good idea"! said Stewie. Brian and Stewie go on the control pad and Stewie presses the button and they leave 1992 New York and go back to present day Quahog.

 

* 

 

In present day Quahog, at the hospital, Peter was in labor. Feeling culpable, and blameworthy, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were there for support. Meg and Chris were in the waiting room, and Lois was holding Peter's hand. "THIS PAIN FEELS LIKE A BITCH!" screamed Peter. Lois was sort of pleased at Peter's labor pains. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS HURTS SO MUCH?" asked Peter. "HA! Sure is good to see you go through labor pains after you've seen me go through them!" laughed Lois. "Don't be such a bitch about this, Lois!" said Joe. "We feel terrible for abandoning Peter so now we're here to support him!" said Cleveland. "Your bitchiness was always a turn on for me!" said Quagmire. "PUSH PETER PUSH"! ordered Joe. Peter screamed as he pushed. "IS IT OUT YET?" he asked, Quagmire goes and looks, "We can see the head!" "All right, Peter! We're all here for you now! Now keep pushing!" said Lois. "Push for my fellow blacks!" said Cleveland. Peter breathed, screamed and pushed as hard as he could. "Labor Pain is so intolerable! I want to be euthanized by The Suicide Squad!" 

 

Cutaway Scene:

A hospital in a cancer ward shows Deadshot, Harley Quinn, El Diablo, Captain Boomerang, and Killer Croc go into a patients room who is in remission and injects some poison into a patients' IV and the patient dies. The doctor comes in and yells at them, "Why did you all do that to that cancer patient! He was on the verge of remission!" Harley Quinn says, "We're bad guys! It's what we do!"

 

Chris and Meg were in the waiting room. "If our new sibling is a boy, I am teaching it to beat you up!" said Chris to Meg. Peter almost had the so called baby out. "One more push, Peter!" said Joe. "You can do it!" encouraged Lois. "Breath deeply!" said Quagmire. "It's almost here!" said Cleveland. Peter gave out one more push and he screamed like hell, and out came the baby that looked like an egg with legs. Dr. Hartman comes in and sees the egg and says, "Congratulations! It's an egg with legs!" "An egg?" asked Lois. "So it's not a Swamp Monster human hybird?" asked Peter. "Nope, egg with legs". Dr. Hartman said. "Where were you, Dr. Hartman?" asked Lois. "I was too embarrassed to help a pregnant man!" answered Dr. Hartman. "Peter DID swallow an egg, doctor." said Quagmire. "My kid looks like that baby chick in an egg from USACRES." said Peter. "What do you want to do?" asked Joe. "Put it back where I found it, I don't want an egg!" said Peter childishly. "Rest first, then we'll take it to the park." said Quagmire. Peter felt so disadvantaged hoping he was going to have a Swamp Monster Human Hybrid, he decided to send the egg back to the park. 

Two days later, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were back at the park where the swamp was where the whole fiasco started. "Good bye baby egg! You're better off here than you are with me"! said Peter. "It was a bold decision you made!" said Joe. "We're proud of you!" said Cleveland. "Just don't get pregnant again." said Quagmire. "I won't! Hey hey! Since we're at the park....." Peter was about to finish. "How about we just go to the Drunken Clam instead?" asked Quagmire. 

"At least you can drink again!" said Cleveland! "Totally forgot about that! The hell with the park! Let's go get wasted!" cheered Peter. "We even gave up alcohol for a while, we sure missed you!" said Joe. "Thanks guys! Glad you always had my back!" said Peter. Joe, Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland all went to the bar. Then a scuba diver comes up and grabs the egg and the scuba diver takes off his gear and it's Ernie the Chicken who had an iPHONE and was laughing as he was secretly taping Peter all though out his pregnancy. After all the years of chicken fights he had with Peter. Ernie finally put Peter in agony in the worst possible way. 

Ernie decided he was going to raise the egg. As he was holding the egg then noticed a new video. "Hmmmm, oh look at this! A Mario cartoon! Wonder what this could be?" Ernie asked to himself. Then screamed at what he saw, "BA-GOCK!" 

 

The End

 

The Proceeding has been a Narwhal Puppy Production!


End file.
